Tuesday, January 10, 2023
What does a healthy relationship even look like in this day and age? Sure seems that fewer and fewer people even know.
I think there’s a great mistaken belief about what a ‘good’ relationship is and what it isn’t. Every relationship is different because human beings are different. Each has good points and possibly some bad ones that must be dealt with so that a good relationship can be had.
People have strengths and weaknesses in the very best of relationships. Why? People are different and people not only have different needs, desires, and certain things the other one does or doesn’t do can cause great irritation.
We all start out thinking life will be great and we so love the other person that we want to spend our entire life with them and live in la-la land where nothing ever brings tension. The only thing is life hands us the garbage to deal with as much as it hands us the good things in life.
As much as we want this loving relationship where we can swoon over each other 24/7…we find we wake up to reality. Do you even understand that love is a choice even on the days you don’t feel so loving???
I used to believe that no one wants to argue and fight, but that is a lie. I truly have seen people, heard people, and had people write me even about the fact that they fight all the time…and it is normal “for them”. Not for me…but I guess some people just like the tension of arguing and fighting. Not healthy to do so.
Why did you marry whom you did? Did you stand there and swear a commitment to that person, to love, honor, and all of that? Were they cute, had a nice personality, friendly, outgoing, a party animal, why did you marry them? So what has changed in that relationship? Did they get along with your family? Even more…did the person get along with their family and siblings? How do/did they treat their parents, siblings, and others? Did they think their way mattered more than what you wanted or need? Do they take over, think life is resolved around them and what they wanted to do? Did they tell you what you could do or not do, what you should wear, that you should not see your relatives and so on, or whom you could hang out with generally ? (big deal breaker in a marriage is you spend time with the opposite sex without your spouse there with you…no exceptions).
Okay….but back to reality…there are things in each and every marriage that no matter what else…people need to do to make a marriage work. Respect , communication even when difficult, and caring that somethings hurt the other one we do…and we need to see how to fix that one.
A healthy relationship is based more on respect than fuzzy feelings. Feelings change by the moment.
Do you, or can you, have fun together? What does each person like to do? Can you compromise on what you do? Yes, guys like certain things, sports, etc, shoot-em-up movies, etc, while women like other things like a good clean movie, going out to eat, shopping etc. If no one ever gives in and compromises to do something each person likes tension will arise at some point in the relationship.
You can certainly have different opinions on anything. Why do people think the other person must think as they do?
You need to listen to each other. Men think if a woman says she had a bad day or something happened that the woman wants the man to go fix it….not usually. They just want someone to care enough to listen to them no matter how silly the man thinks it is.
You need to trust each other. If you can’t do that then there is no relationship. Why don’t you trust each other? What can either one do so the other person can trust them again?
You need to learn to say that you are sorry. It says volumes about how you feel about someone. Why is that word so difficult for some to say? Sorry…can change an argument into a much better day..
You don’t have to spend every moment with your spouse. Each person needs a little down time maybe to read or work on something and not feel guilty about it.
Jealousy is not love! If you can’t trust someone why did you get with them? You don’t own your partner. People have different feelings and moods and not everything is about you.
Respect:
Are you willing to compromise?
Do you each get to be yourself?
Are you able to admit when you are wrong?
Do you try to resolve conflict in your life by being honest or by hiding things from the person you are with?
Do you feel safe with the person? If not…then there are red flags you need to deal with.
Does your spouse care about your feelings? Moods? What is bothering you? Your opinion? What you need? Now, ask that of yourself…do you care about theirs?
Does your spouse accept you even when you are having a really bad and grumpy day, or do they make comments that make it worse?
If your spouse knows your buttons that hurt you by saying or doing them…do they care or do they just keep doing them?
Does your spouse get angry if you want to change your mind on something? Do you get mad if they do?
When you are really in love and you respect each other you value them. You don’t trash them or call them names, and you never, ever, ever, abuse them. You feel respected to be you. No one wants to be bullied, or disrespected especially in front of people…it is bad enough to ever do it by yourself.
No one has the right to control you either.
People don’t make you happy by the way. You are responsible for your own happiness within a relationship. Your spouse is not the source of all happiness love, and fulfillment for you. Each is to love, respect, and care for the other…but as I said, love is a choice. We love and support each other as best we can though.
You can’t fix everything or anyone. People make choices to do or not to do something and life happens. We help, we encourage them, we don’t force ourself onto fixing everything. Sometimes people just want you to listen to them and what happened. They don’t expect you to fix it. In face, most times they don’t want you to. However, you can ask…don’t push….if there is anything you can do to help?
Relationships need to be balanced. Marriage is equal. Yes, both people do different things but both are equal in respect and need to be consulted where things are important. Yes, people have priorities. Woman on certain things and men on certain things, but you need to discuss them and not get mad. What can you do to compromise or to wait until you can to do something?
Conflicts need to be dealt with…Just do it. Don’t get mad, yell, or act badly….talk! Conflicts don’t have to be a deal breakers. You can’t fix what you don’t really deal with. All it does is eat at you until you can deal with it.
Feelings…yepper, we all have them and sometimes they are not so great of ones. Everyone has feelings and feelings get hurt and people get offended. But if you want to fix things you are going to have to discuss how what happened hurt you. Sometimes people hurt others feeliings on purpose but they shouldn’t do that, but at other times, some people don’t even know they hurt you by what they said or did.
We all need to care for ourselves. If we don’t do that we will be drained emotionally. When we don’t take care of ourselves it shows in our relationship. Take the time to do certain things that make you feel good about yourself. It is different for different people.
One of the biggies is you need to think more of your relationship and what it truly means to you. Do you consider them and their opinion or do you think only yours matters? If you don’t put them and their feeling first and care about what they think or feel…you will end up being in real trouble.
Couples do not agree on everything!!!!!!! You are two different people, raised differently, with different views. Just try to see what the other says and feels and how you can come together in fixing it.
Do you value each other or do you take each other for granted? Did you commit for life or “until”. Until what? Until you think the grass is greener. Only thing is grass can turn yellow there also.
What does our best look like anyway? Don’t you want your spouse to see your best?
A healthy relationship is about intention. It’s about never intentionally hurting you but always intentionally loving you.
A healthy relationship is working through your own insecurities so that they never cause a problem, it’s allowing your partner to unconditionally feel free.
Everyone brings old garbage into a relationship. You don’t try to and sometimes that garbage puts walls up that should never be there. Your spouse is not the one who hurt you in a past relationship so don’t take it out on them.
A healthy relationship chooses you day after day and never makes you question your importance.
I am going to add a couple more things. People look at someone prior to knowing them and make up their minds about what the person is like without knowing what the person is really like. That chemistry right? But what if that person is a real jerk, abusive, and so on? A commitment to marry someone should be a commitment for a lifetime and not “until”. Get to know the person really well (I’m not talking about sex here). Really, how have they treated people in prior relationships, what caused a breakup, and how did they treat their parents and people in authority? Were they possessive? Were they abusive? This goes both to the man and the woman. Women abuse men as well!
Don’t put barriers up between you, and work on your marriage. So many people just give up instead of making the choice to make things work. When one has a problem, a sickness, or is hurting….be there for them. Marriage can be the hardest job, if you want to call it that, there is is…but you are the only one who can make a decision to love.
If you were married prior and have kids…don’t allow your kids to disrespect your partner. Your marriage won’t last when you do. If you both have kids…don’t treat them differently either. Not a good thing if you do. If you want a blended family….then blend it properly.
Take care of each other, do what is right, talk about what is wrong, and do all you can to keep good communication going.
Now, may God bless you, draw you to Him, guide your steps, and bless your marriage.