Wednesday, December 21, 2022
Many of us know people like this, or maybe we are even one of those where their own child or loved one doesn’t want them in their life any longer.
It is a very sad or crushing time in the life of a parent when their child or other loved one doesn’t want them in their life. In the case of a parent, the parent can try repeatedly to amend whatever “it” is that is broken, but sometimes it just won’t happen. All relationships can’t be fixed, and some are just downright toxic to each person.
But how can one cope with the hurt and the pain of losing a child, or loved one without that person being dead? We understand the loss of a loved one dying, but of one who is alive and doesn’t want you in their life any longer. At some point, it can be unbearable. We can’t fix everything. Over time who caused the breakdown? Does it really matter now? We can’t please everyone any more than a grown adult child, or other loved one can please everyone. Not everything is cut and dried and fits into a box correctly.
Is it normal then to feel rejected, hated, angry, sad, guilty, and full of so many other emotions?
Everyone’s situation is different. You can’t say someone else’s situation is exactly like yours. Things happen in life whether real or imagined that cause pain and suffering to others. Things happen you had no control over as well, but that is not how someone else saw it. Things happen because you might have been going through your own traumas in life and just didn’t know how to cope well with some issues between you both.
Maybe the rejection of the child, or other loved one, is fairly new, or maybe it has gone on for years…and with all your heart you wish you had that relationship with that person that you no longer have or might not ever have.
Repairing things can’t always be done, for in the mind of the other person, they feel you are toxic to them, instead of trying to fix whatever “it” might have been. People change, years go past, and no mending happens. Yes, you want the very best for that loved one of yours, but still, you would like to be part of that person’s life while you are still alive.
As with a child who rejects you…it seems to be that both the mothers and fathers of adult children are rejected, but it seems more are children disowning their mothers. We all wish we had this magic repair kit somehow, but it just doesn’t happen. Same with other loved ones/friends as well.
How many people have written letter after letter to try to mend things but their loved one who has rejected and not accepted them? (with this modern society the loved one just blocks you and never sees what you write with a broken heart) Life is short and the older one gets the more and more they feel they will die with their loved one hating them and not wanting to be part of their life.
It is also one thing if relatives/others hate you for believing lies, but much different when it is your own child or loved one. You can’t ever fix what you don’t know. You can’t fix things without working on them either.
So what can you do beyond that trying? You can’t make people love you or want you in their life. It just doesn’t happen. You can offer them love and try to mend things but you can’t make them want things to ever be better.
It is difficult enough to go through life where you can’t control your own life and what happens. You can’t just wave a magic wand and things get better. This happens in health, relationships, marriages, at work, and in every other area of our life. We can only do so much and pray for the best, but sometimes things just happen you have no control over. You want to fix and mend what you can, but sometimes that is impossible. So now, in this situation with a loved one you need to first understand if you have tried and tried, and tried again…maybe it just won’t happen.
Example: Funny isn’t it…when our children are little we can feel loved by most of our children, but sometimes there is that “one” child who is different, who rebels against “whatever”, and you just can’t reach that child like you can the rest. You love them equally, but some kids are just harder to deal with than others.
So what do we as a rejected person do now? First, acknowledge you aren’t going to be able to fix this and accept it. (It is like losing a child to death while the child is alive). You know they are out there doing their thing, but you are not part of “their thing”. Some blame their parent for things the parent didn’t do and some blame the parent and they did something the child didn’t like. But instead of discussing it and fixing it…they just shut the parent out of their life. This goes for any and all other relationships as well. Some kids/loved ones believe the lies they were told by others or even imagined things that never happened. Some blame their parent/loved one for “not” knowing something was happening in their life. So many things one can write here about the situation in their life.
So, we, the rejected one, now need to learn to let the loved one go even if it is our own child. We might hate it, but it causes us grief, as I said as if it were a loved one who physically died we would need to deal with that. We can’t control what others do, we can’t control the pain in our own hearts, but we learn we must go on somehow. We lose not only them in our life, but if they are married and have kids and grandkids etc.…we lose them as well. So first accept their decision to disown you. As a parent of a loved one who has rejected someone…you lose their family as well.
Rejection from anyone we care about is hard, but
Make a list for yourself of what you feel caused the issue between you and your loved one. How does each thing make you feel? Did you do what they think/said you did or didn’t do? Add to that list what you tried to do to fix the problem. Did you really try to fix it? Did you lash out because of what they said or didn’t say regarding the situation? Most do that! Sure, that didn’t fix anything. Any rejection from our loved ones is another beast in itself.
Write down what you think you could have tried to do differently. Would it have worked? Most likely no. Discard what doesn’t feel right. Take control. You can get through this.
So now what? Grieve. Grieve as though your loved one really did die. Sounds grim, but until we let go and deal with the loss we can’t get over it.
Know that just because you try to fix things and can’t you can’t go on pretending that things might get better. When? How? The loved one most likely has made it known not only to you but others that it won’t happen. Let it go.
Grief is different for each person. Oh, some of the same qualities but different just the same. What you feel and why when someone you love dies the next person who loved that person doesn’t grieve the same way. That doesn’t mean they didn’t love the person who died, they just handle things differently.
We can make it through the grief so hang in there. Feeling your emotions is okay, but the time will come when let go…really does mean let go. You can’t bring a dead child back no matter how much you pray for it, or how much you miss them. What happens eventually is you learn to live with it and go on.
Yes, without the loved one in your life who is alive somewhere but not going to be in your life is hard. How you thought your years would go with both of you being there for one another is not happening. You might even wonder what they tell others as to why you have no relationship. Some kids, I’d venture to say even tell others their parent is dead.
If this is about your own child… don’t ask your other kids about them anymore. Don’t try to have anyone intervene. Some of your other kids could very well believe the lies that were spread about you as well, so this is not a good idea. Just don’t bring them up because that still stirs the pain in your heart all over again.
Accept life as it comes now when you are dealing with this. Life is uncertain for sure. Times are difficult just making it through life. Yes, your loved one rejected a relationship with you. What now? Pray for them (know you are anyway)…but prayer can change things.
We, who have been rejected, can have a good life still even if we have lost that the loved one in our life. Maybe we thought we would grow old with that loved one only to find out no way! Life has a lot of turns from birth to death. This is a twist that we don’t want but still, it is there.
If it is a child who rejected, you. How also do you handle things when someone asks you how many children you have? What will you say? Will you still include that child or leave them out?
What activities can you do that can fill some of your time? We all like different things don’t we? Maybe take on some new things that challenge you to do something…activity or something else you normally wouldn’t do.
Know you can’t change everything, or you already would have. Sometimes we just must stop wondering why something happened and just accept it might have happened, or the other person thought it happened. There comes a time when we just must let whatever “it” is go.
I have found for myself, over the years that people will and do judge you even if their opinion of you is down-right wrong. They believe it so what can you do? Reputations are destroyed most time by lies. You can only defend yourself for so long. We all make many mistakes in life, many bad choices in life, and many regrets in life. But we can’t fix everything, can’t go back and change anything prior. We can, however, move forward the best way we can. People will judge each other even though we should not do that all the while they are and have made many mistakes over their own life that they don’t want to deal with. Seems easier for others to judge your mishaps than their own.
Sometimes we just must protect our minds from the prying hate of others. Some people are just mean, say mean things, treat others badly, and think they are better. As I said, we all make mistakes, all sin, and all hurt when we lose a loved one whether by physical death or emotional death.
A shattered life is a very difficult thing to deal with. You have gatherings that person is not at that has been over the years, birthdays you can’t share, Christmas you don’t see them, Thanksgiving, and loneliness of their company. It happens to millions of people out there. Nothing is new under the sun. If something happens in your life it also happens in someone else’s as well. Some deal better than others.
Finally, let us learn to reclaim some happiness in our life even if that person can’t and won’t be there for us. No, life is not easy. Going from birth to death has many turns. But even if we can’t fix something broken in our life we still can go on.
Now, may the God of creation bless you, comfort you, and give you peace even in the midst of the storm of your relationship with someone you love that has rejected you. May God protect your mind and heal it for you. May God give you the strength to endure.
God bless you!